Today is Father’s Day.
For those of us with living dads or living children celebrating is fairly straight forward. I can call my dad. I can send him a present (or in my case I can hold onto a present until I see him in early July). There is both a giver and recipient of love and affection. If your father or child is no longer here, the day gets more complicated. There’s no one to answer the phone, there’s no one to provide a hug and kiss, there’s just an empty space.
Today should be Ryan’s first “official” Father’s Day. Unfortunately while Owen remains a massive presence in our lives, he is no longer physically here. I know Ryan misses him. Every. Single. Day. Every. Single. Minute. I want nothing more than to be able to scoop Owen up, plop him in bed next to Ryan and let the boys do cuddles and breakfast in bed for Father’s Day.
Unfortunately I know that’s never going to happen. That simple fact breaks my heart. I struggle with how to celebrate Father’s Day for and with Ryan. I know how incredibly excited he is about Little Otter’s arrival in August, but I also know that his heart is still very much broken and will never be whole again. I think the best I can do is remind Ryan what wonderful father is to Owen and Little Otter and that, just as we have for the past year, we will continue to remember, love and enjoy Owen through #OwenOtter. Unfortunately no matter what, in this case, my best is not enough.
Happy Father’s Day Ryan. Owen, Little Otter and I love you so very much.